The cycle of breaking and healing
by mtm
Summary: Sequel to Two faces of Grief. Hotch is trying to recover, but life delivers another blow..
1. Chapter 1

**The cycle of breaking and healing**

**A/N: This is a sequel to Two faces of grief. It would be better to read that story first to make sense of this one. Enjoy!**

_Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional._

_-Haruki Murakami-_

**Chapter 1.**

Hotch was sitting down at the waiting room of Dr. Thompson, idly flipping through the magazines on the table next to him. The furniture was arranged to allow easy access to wheelchairs and to people who were using crutches or walking sticks. This room had become very familiar to Hotch after his kidnapping by Greg Jones and after a very experimental treatment for spinal cord injuries was forced on him. It had been six months now, but he still vividly remembered the feel of the syringe plunging to his neck. Hotch shivered involuntarily at the memory.

As usual, this morning he had dropped JJ off at BAU and Jack and Henry at the nursery, before continuing to his monthly follow up appointment with Dr. Thompson, who had treated him previously. Once Hotch started to show signs of regaining his sensation in his feet, he had been prodded and tested by various people, who were all very curious how things were proceeding. On one hand Hotch appreciated this, as something useful might come of it to help other people, but it also sometimes irritated him. He would have preferred to recover in private and at his own pace.

"Mr. Hotchner, please come in", Dr. Thompson called from his office.

Hotch slowly got up and leaning on his walking stick took shuffling steps to the doctors office.

"That's excellent progress you are making. How do you feel?" Dr. Thompson commented smiling.

Hotch took his time sitting down on the chair next to the doctor's desk and replied "I'm feeling better. The pain is gone from the legs and the feeling is returning to my skin. I'm having problems with the balance though and have to shuffle instead of taking proper steps."

"I don't have to use a catheter any more either" Hotch continued and thought to himself that it was too private to tell the doctor that other things had also been improving below the waist, which had made both him and JJ very happy.

The doctor looked very happy about all this and proceeded to check Hotch properly. After the physical check he took time to talk to Hotch to see how he was mentally. While Hotch appreciated this, it didn't mean that he would open up and spill everything going around in his head. The doctor finally seemed to be happy with the progress Hotch was making.

"If your recovery carries on at this rate, you might be able to regain full use of your legs again. It's frustrating that there is no way to actually monitor the regeneration of nerves in real time. If we could do that, we could learn how to trigger the process in other patients or at least we could give you a better prognosis", Dr. Thompson said.

"I have talked to several of my colleagues to see if there are any methods available to monitor your progress and unfortunately there isn't", he continued.

"I'm just happy that I can walk again", Hotch said softly.

XXX

Hotch made the next follow up appointment at the desk before leaving the out-patient department. He slowly made his way to the lift and pushed the button to call the lift. While he was waiting for it he was musing whether to have a coffee before heading to work. His lecture wasn't due to start until midday and it was only 10am. While he was lost in his thoughts he failed to see a man in white coat studying him intensively and talking on his mobile at the same time.

The lift arrived and Hotch and the man, who had observed him previously entered. The man pushed the button for the third floor.

"Which floor do you need?" the man asked Hotch politely.

"Ground floor, please", Hotch replied and the man dutifully pushed the button.

While Hotch was shifting his legs to gain better balance, he failed to see the man lifting a syringe from his pocket.

Hotch felt a sharp prick on his neck and turned trying to hit the man, but whatever he had injected him with, it worked fast and Hotch could feel his consciousness slipping away.

The last thought he had was "Not again!" before darkness descended.

XXX


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2.**

The lift doors opened to a corridor, which had empty walls and the air felt cool with a hint of smell of something ominous. A man in a white coat emerged from the lift and he was greeted by another man, who was fidgeting.

"What took you so long? I have been waiting down here for too long, the pathologists are bound to notice me soon!" he hissed as soon as the lift doors opened.

"He was in with the doctor much longer than I anticipated, but he's here now so come here and help me to lift him up!"

Both men proceeded to lift the unconscious man on a trolley and quickly threw a white sheet over him when they heard noises further down the corridor. Two men in green turned around the corner and entered the lift with barely a glance at the two men pushing the trolley down the corridor.

The men entered another corridor and finally pushed the trolley with the unconscious man into an autopsy bay, which was empty except for a third man in white. He looked relieved when the men came in.

"I was starting to get worried. I can't stay here for much longer, otherwise I will be missed."

"He took longer than anticipated with Dr. Thompson, but finally I manage to proceed according to the plan. I doubt that he paid any attention to my face to start with and with Rohypnol in his system, he's not going to remember anything once he wakes up."

The man waiting in the room took a vial from his pocket and took a syringe and a needle from the shelf in the room and started drawing the contents of the vial into the syringe.

"We finally managed to engineer a stable enough lipoplex with the correct ligand so it will bind itself to the receptors at the central nervous system", the man said while disposing the empty vial into a sharps container on the table.

"You couldn't use the adenoviruses?", asked the man who had brought Hotch down in the lift.

"It would have been more researched option, with better known outcomes. We don't want to cause more harm to him", he continued frowning.

"They weren't large enough to contain the gene segments and as far as we know the liposomes are even better options than the viruses in regards of safety. Trials in humans haven't just been commenced yet", replied the man with the syringe.

He stepped closer to the trolley and lifted the sheet to expose unconscious Hotch, while the most nervous of the men, who had stayed quiet and out of the way went to keep guard at the door peeking out of the window.

Hotch's right arm was exposed and the man injected the contents of the syringe professionally into his arm, with a very minimal mark. He then applied pressure on the spot to reduce any swelling or bruising, trying to minimize the appearance of any tell tale marks that something had been injected.

The man assisting glanced at his watch and said "We only have few more minutes before he should start stirring. We better hurry now."

The man with the syringe looked satisfied with his handiwork and agreed.

"You better put him in a wheelchair and ask an orderly to take him to the main lobby and leave him there to wake up. Once he's conscious he hopefully won't remember what happened and will just leave thinking that he saw the doctor and he just got tired on his way out."

The man who had done the injecting slipped out of the bay first and the two men went back towards the little used lift and took out a wheelchair from one of the storage cupboards where they had hidden it in the first place. They transferred the now stirring Hotch into the wheelchair and the man who had been quiet walked away towards the more used section of the basement and the man who was left called the lift and pushed the wheelchair in. He took the lift to the ground floor, saw an orderly walking by and stopped him, asking to take the confused looking man into the lobby and leave him there where someone would come and pick him up.

"Yes, Doctor", the orderly answered and wheeled Hotch away while the man stepped back into the lift and disappeared.

XXX

Hotch was feeling very tired and disorientated, his head felt heavy and he was feeling nauseous. He looked around and was surprised to find himself in a hospital. He didn't remember how he got there, however he did remember that he had a doctor's appointment, but judging from the time he was very late for it.

Hotch wheeled the chair to the reception as he was still feeling weak and asked the receptionist to call Dr. Thompson's office to apologise being late. To his surprise the receptionist told him that he had already been to his appointment. Dr. Thompson came to the phone after being called by his assistant.

"How are you feeling, Mr. Hotchner? Did something happen to you?", Dr. Thompson asked worriedly.

"I woke up in a wheelchair in the main lobby on the ground floor about five minutes ago and the last thing I remember is going to bed last night and the fact that I'm suppose to come for an appointment", Hotch replied describing how he was feeling. Dr. Thompson promised to send somebody to pick him up immediately for an examination. Hotch also called Quantico to cancel his lectures as he wasn't feeling well and he didn't like the fact that he had a gap in his memory.

XXX

Dr. Thompson had done a thorough examination, taken some blood and promised to get back as soon as possible with the results. He hadn't found anything obviously wrong but he and Hotch both agreed that it looked more than likely that he had been drugged. Hotch just couldn't understand why or who would do that and more specifically, how would that be possible in the middle of the day in a busy hospital . He decided to call Dave and see what he thought of all this or if he was just being paranoid.

Hotch was still feeling disorientated enough to take a cab to BAU leaving his car at the hospital. He called JJ explaining that he was coming by and tried to reassure her as she became very worried the moment she heard his voice. JJ promised to tell Dave that he was coming over and needed to talk. BAU was having a quiet day and they were mainly catching up on paperwork so they were all in the office.

When Hotch walked in to the BAU, all the agents came to him to ask how he was doing and what was happening. Hotch appreciated the concern, but wanted to talk to Dave first without worrying the others so he promised to talk to them later. JJ walked with him to Dave's office and stayed to hear what was going on.

Dave sat down with them concern showing on his face. Hotch started to tell his story.

"I found myself in the hospital lobby and thought that I was late for my appointment. When I called them, it turned out that I had already been there but had no recollection what so ever..."

XXX


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **I'm terribly sorry for not updating this sooner. Lost the plot completely and life took over... (And also lost my notes on the science bit, believe it or not!) But I'm here now so maybe we better get on with the story!

**Chapter 3.**

Hotch finished retelling the events of the day, or at least as much as he could remember. Dave sat opposite him looking intrigued and worried at the same time. JJ sat next to him on the couch and sometime during his story, she had taken his hand and was holding on to it firmly. Hotch looked into JJ's worried eyes and gave a hint of a smile to reassure her, "I'm OK. Dr. Thompson will contact me immediately when all the test results are through, but it looks like nothing untoward happened."

"I am worried, even if nothing is found as that makes it even more suspicious. Who would want to kidnap you in the middle of the day and in a hospital in all places, if they didn't want to do anything!" JJ countered.

"I have to agree", said Dave. "There is something odd going on. I'll ask Garcia to look into it and see if something is seen in the surveillance camera's. Stone and Prentiss can ask around to see if anybody saw anything out of the ordinary. If you are OK with this, of course?", Dave asked.

Hotch nodded, "I'm getting tired of things happening out of the blue sky. I would be grateful if you have time to look into it. It would make me feel much safer."

Dave asked rest of the team to come to the conference room where he shared all the information he had. Hotch was answering all the questions as well as he could, however it became apparent that there was quite a large gap in his memory. According to all the information so far, there was several hours missing from his memory.

The team all assured Hotch that they would get to the bottom of things and left to pursue their investigation leaving Hotch, Dave and JJ to sit in the conference room.

"I want to arrange a patrol car to come by your house regularly", Dave said looking like he knew what the response to that would be.

"Maybe that's for the best, I want to make sure that JJ and the boys are safe", Hotch said surprising Dave, who looked shocked as he had expected him to refuse the offer.

The three of them discussed about the details before coming to an agreement and finally Dave managed to talk JJ into leaving with Hotch.

"It's better if you two took a day off to come into grips that all of this isn't over yet." Dave said and JJ couldn't but agree in the end. On one hand she wanted to be at work where she was needed, but she also needed to be with Hotch to support him and just to be near him. Finally she and Hotch left the office and Dave was left looking after them.

"What is going on, my friend?", he was thinking to himself. This man who had suffered so much already was attacked again and Dave was getting worried how much more the man could take. He luckily had JJ and two little boys to look after him, but he still worried.

With these thoughts circling in his head, he turned and went back to his office.

XXX

The team came up with nothing. Nobody at the hospital had seen anything out of the ordinary. Dr. Thompson's secretary hadn't seen anything and they couldn't find the orderly who had left Hotch in the lobby. The hospital had security cameras only in the main lobby and corridors and Garcia could only see that Hotch had gone into a lift with a doctor (who they couldn't identify as they saw only the back of his head) and that he emerged from the lift half an hour later, being pushed out of the lift by someone who didn't come out and an orderly passing by pushed him into the lobby. No signs where he had been during that half an hour.

Test results came back with Rohypnol, which explained the amnesia, especially as it was apparently injected. Nothing else abnormal was found. Further testing by Dr. Thompson and his colleagues turned out nothing, which was a relief to everyone. Hotch now never went to the hospital by himself, JJ was always with him, but nothing out of the ordinary happened.

After two weeks Hotch requested the police patrol to be discontinued. Nothing had happened and as there were no further attempts to interfere with Hotch's life, he thought that it would be time to go back to normal. Dave agreed, although reluctantly.

"You have to let us know ASAP if you see something suspicious. If you think you are bumping with someone too often for coincidence, let me know. If you..."

"I know the drill Dave. I will let you know immediately." Hotch reassured his friend.

"Can you please keep an eye on JJ? I don't want anything to happen to her." Hotch continued looking worried. "She is worrying about me enough as it is and I want someone to look out for her."

"I'm happy to. I know what would happen to me if something happened to her." Dave grinned.

The two men shook hands and parted ways to continue with their lives, both hoping privately that this was the end of complications to their lives.

XXX

Once Hotch left BAU he went to his car and drove away towards Quantico as his lecture was suppose to start in an hour. He was going through in his head what he would teach his students today when he noticed that a car had driven off the road and it looked like it had happened recently.

Hotch stopped and got out of the car carefully as his walking was still off, especially on an uneven ground. He looked around suspiciously, but couldn't see anyone else around. Few cars passed him by without stopping. Hotch looked after them darkly, people were so selfish these days.

He walked around his car and approached the car off the road. It looked like someone was unconscious inside. He walked closer and started to dial 911 at the same time, but to his relief an ambulance stopped by his car and a paramedic jumped out.

"Maybe one of those other drivers called an ambulance, even though they didn't stop themselves." Hotch thought before waving the paramedics over.

"There is someone inside and it looks like he's unconscious." Hotch called out to the paramedic, who went to the driver's side leaving his colleague to approach behind Hotch.

And then everything went dark.

XXX


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4.**

JJ was sitting in her office, sorting out the requests for BAU's help when her phone rang. She picked it up and answered it absent-mindedly, "Agent Jareu."

"This is Agent Higgins from Quantico. I have been instructed to call you in case Agent Hotchner misses his lectures. He is now one hour late and nobody can reach him."

JJ had sat up straight when she heard where the call was from. Now fear gripped her and she was holding to the desk in front of her to be able to sit up.

"He left here two hours ago. Have you tried his mobile?" JJ asked against all hope that they would have dialled a wrong number.

"Yes, we did", and the Agent rattled off Hotch's number to confirm it.

"Thank you for letting me know," JJ said and hung up. She sat at her desk in turmoil, not knowing which way to turn first.

"This can't be happening. This can't be happening..." went around in her head, when she finally jerked into action and ran into Dave's office.

"He's been taken again!" JJ shouted at Dave the moment she stepped into his office tears streaming down her face. She didn't need to specify who.

Dave sprang into action, while JJ fell onto his couch. While Dave gave orders to the team, who were aghast that something had happened to Hotch again and who fell like they had let him down thus sprinting into action without hesitation, JJ sat feeling blank and lost, feeling like she needed to go to million directions, but couldn't decide which way to go first.

Dave came back and saw the uncharacteristic behaviour of JJ. He sat down next to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

"We will find him and bring him back to you." Dave reassured her trying to make her look him straight in the eye.

"However I will need your help. Do you think you are up to contacting the local police force and the emergency services to see if they know anything?" Dave continued knowing that he had to give JJ something to do, before she broke down.

JJ nodded her head in a daze, and went to her office to make the necessary calls. Dave looked after her worriedly, he had never seen the blond agent so affected. He decided to go to Garcia and ask her to also look out for JJ. Maybe if she had enough people to support her, JJ would pull through. Dave worried that Hotch's second kidnapping might be too much for JJ. He knew how much JJ meant to Hotch and knew that the man wouldn't survive if JJ decided that she wanted to leave. Dave doubted that she would,but thought that some extra support would help JJ to stay strong.

XXX

Hotch woke up in a soft bed. He was feeling wonderfully relaxed and warm and the bed truly was amazingly comfortable so he decided to lie there for a while to enjoy the feeling.

His eyes flew open.

"Where am I? What happened at that car?" More and more questions flooded his mind as he looked around to take in his surroundings.

Hotch was lying in a bed in a small room with white painted walls. The lighting was dim and coming from a lamp on a table next to his bed. On the opposite wall sat a green sofa. On the other side of it was a bookshelf, which was overflowing with books and in front of it was a coffee table with magazines on it. There was a door ajar and he could see into what looked like a bathroom. There was also a door, which was closed and next to it was a flat screen TV facing an exercise bike.

Hotch was still. He was listening to any sounds, but couldn't hear anything else than the air conditioning. He couldn't smell anything either.

Hotch carefully sat up and checked himself to see that nothing obvious had happened. He felt fine and after his little self check concluded that nothing had been done to him while he was unconscious. He was wearing a white t-shirt and scrubs, no socks and no shoes.

He took few steps to the door and tried to open it. It was locked. Hotch pounded on the door, hoping that someone would come, to shed some light into what was going on. Nothing. Silence fell again.

Hotch looked around his room and bathroom, relieved himself and went back to bed. He felt helpless, but at the moment there was nothing he could do until he met his captors. He felt a slight stirring of air on his cheek and turned to look at the air condition vents just in time to see faint mist coming out. Almost immediately he felt his eyes turn heavy and his limbs felt like lead. He fell asleep again.

XXX

The next time Hotch woke up, the lighting was up to a bright level and there was food waiting on the bedside table. He looked at it suspiciously, but at the sight and smell of food, his stomach decided to betray him and grumbled loudly. Hotch sighed, if someone wanted to poison him, it was doubtful that they would have gone to these lengths to make him comfortable in the first place. He took a bite of the sandwich and then ate hungrily everything that was on the tray.

Hotch then got up to go to the bathroom and by the time he came back, the room was dark. Then the light in the bathroom went dark. Hotch stood there all senses heightened waiting for something to happen.

After few moments of silence and after it became obvious that nothing was happening, Hotch turned so that one hand was on the wall and he tried to remember the layout of the room. He started walking hesitantly forward. His balance wasn't that good yet and in the dark he almost fell over several times.

He finally bumped into the bookshelf, dislodging few books, which thumped very loudly onto the floor. He walked past and finally sat down on the sofa. The bed would have been more comfortable, but he was already exhausted and his legs ached due to the concentration he had to maintain to be able to walk in the dark and still keep himself upright.

After few moments the lights came back on again. Hotch sat still on the sofa, trying to listen to any sounds and trying to make any sense of the situation.

A knock sounded on the door startling Hotch. When was the last time kidnappers were polite enough to knock on the door of the prisoners cell?

The door opened outwards and a man in a white coat stepped in with a masked bodyguard behind him. He looked vaguely familiar to Hotch, but he couldn't quite put his finger on why.

"My name is Doctor Hoffman. You might remember me?" the man said coming to sit on the sofa. He clearly looked unwell, pale with dark circles under his eyes.

All of the sudden the face and name clicked into a place.

"You are the genetic engineer at the hospital", Hotch said stunned.

"Yes, or rather I should say that I was. After what I have done there is no going back. But I hope to live long enough to finish this." Dr. Hoffman said sounding defeated.

"I'm sorry we had to do it this way, but there was no other way to go about it." He continued.

Hotch stared at him, "What are you talking about? And what do you want from me?"

Dr. Hoffman started and looked at Hotch, "Please, do not be alarmed. We do not want harm you in any way. On the contrary we want to keep you as healthy as possible. That's why we provided you with the exercise bike while you are here."

"And how long are you planning to keep me here and what are you planning to do with me?" Hotch kept pushing, thinking that there must be something odd going on. And it didn't bode well that this man was clearly identifying himself. How would they ever let him go if he knew who was behind whatever was going on.

"It should only take a few weeks, maximum a month. We are monitoring your progress and it needs to be done more continuously and over a longer period of time and in more controlled environment. For example just now the light in this room was switched over to infrared light." The doctor replied.

"I don't understand. I understood that there is no other method of monitoring what's going on with me than the monthly tests on motor functions and with sensory testing that Dr. Thompson was already doing." Hotch commented confused.

"And why did you need to kidnap me? Why couldn't you just ask?"

"Or where you the ones who kidnapped me the first time in the hospital? Did you do something to me?" Hotch was starting to connect the dots. He was also getting angry.

"Why did you have to do all this? Why couldn't you let me recover in peace?" Hotch was getting angrier by the minute.

The man next to him on the sofa looked sad but determined.

"I will try to explain everything as well as I can, but now I need to go and you need to rest. If there is anything you need, press this button." Doctor Hoffman said passing a small device to Hotch. He got up slowly and turned to leave.

"I hope that you will co-operate with us. It will make everything go faster and you will get back home to your family sooner. Do not fear, we don't want anything with your family, they are safe. Now rest." The door closed after the two men, leaving Hotch even more confused.

The man calling himself doctor Hoffman seemed genuinely unhappy about the situation, but at the same time convinced that he was doing something that needed to be done.

Hotch lowered himself on the bed, lifting his aching feet up. He was staring at the ceiling trying to make some sense into the situation and before long, he fell asleep.

XXX


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Sorry about the delay again. I'm getting really bad with updating (slaps her own head...) Anyway, thank you to all the wonderful people who have reviewed the story! :)

**Chapter 5. **

Over the next week Hotch went through a very thorough physical examination and he was asked to exercise so that Dr. Hoffman could monitor how his muscle mass was growing. He was also frequently exposed to infra red light, which confused him as he was just lying on an examination table for an hour at a time. He tried to talk to the people conducting the tests, but only Dr. Hoffman talked with him and he was the only one exposing his face. All the other people were wearing masks.

After one session of tests Hotch confronted Dr. Hoffman.

"Why are all the other people wearing masks and you are the only one showing your face?", Hotch asked the doctor, who seemed to be getting more ill as the time passed. Hotch had noticed that he seemed to be nauseous very often and that he was visibly losing weight even in this short span of time that Hotch had been kept captive.

Dr. Hoffman sighed and answered wearily, "I'm trying to protect the others. Once we are finished with the testing you will be released. I should be the only one that they can then prosecute as you wouldn't know who the others are and I shouldn't live long enough to suffer in jail."

"What are you talking about?", Hotch replied alarmed. "What's wrong with you?"

Dr. Hoffman looked long at Hotch and it was easy to see the internal battle raging in his head reflected on his face. Hotch didn't push him, but waited patiently, even though he was getting frustrated.

Finally the doctor said, "Come with me. We might as well get comfortable" and led Hotch back to his room and they sat on the sofa. Dr. Hoffman was quiet for sometime when he seemed to be gathering his thoughts and then started explaining.

"First of all I need to explain what it is that we are hoping to gain from the examinations and tests. I must thank you first of all as we were expecting more trouble and it has made all of us relieved that everything has proceeded in civilised manner. I do apologise for the kidnapping, but we couldn't see any other way of doing this."

Hotch raised an eyebrow when he heard that as it wasn't what he was expecting. Dr. Hoffman saw this and smiled sadly, "We are not monsters although many will see us as such."

He then continued," When I heard about your case and read all the noted by Greg Jones who subjected you to the unauthorised treatment, I could see so many different applications that could come from his research if only we could monitor the healing process in your body and to understand it better. However, nothing worked as well as I wanted."

Dr. Hoffman was becoming paler as he talked and all of the sudden he excused himself and dashed to the bathroom and Hotch could hear him throwing up. Nothing of this was really making any sense. Hotch waited until the doctor emerged from the bathroom and had sat wearily down on the sofa again.

"Should we get something for you to drink?", Hotch asked as he was getting worried about his captor, but almost immediately warned himself about Stockholm's syndrome.

Dr. Hoffman waved his hand saying, "No, I can't really tolerate anything any more."

He took a breath and continued, " Then I came around a study done on bacteriophytochromes. How by genetic engineering a group had managed to tweak these light emitting proteins in bacteria from controlling gene expression to emitting light in an infra red wavelength. This would enable observing biochemical processes and internal organs as with present techniques, nothing so deep in a living organism can be observed as the wavelengths in use don't penetrate tissues and bones."

Hotch took this at a face value as he wasn't an expert in genetic engineering and usually it was Reid who could provide all the details if such were required. Now he regretted this.

"What does this have to do with your health? Or with my situation in that matter?", Hotch asked.

"We managed to repeat the engineering and to manufacture lipoplex, which is a complex containing the engineered genes and after trial and error found suitable proteins, which enabled the binding of these complexes to the central nervous system. We proceeded with animal testing and everything looked to be working perfectly well. The animals didn't have any side effects and they remained healthy. We didn't have any way of testing in humans so I volunteered and injected myself with the gene therapy and we were exited to find that the complex was working like a dream and that the engineered genes were taken up and incorporated into the genome. This enabled us to observe the neurones in the spinal cord in such a detail that we would be able to observe the healing process in your spine."

"But then some of the animals became sick and died and we found out that they died of tumours. Some of the cytochromes had reverted back to their original function and emitted light, which controlled gene expression. Susceptible animals developed tumours and died. When I started feeling unwell, it turned out that the same was happening to me. I had developed lymphoma of the spinal cord, which was spreading fast."

Hotch looked at the pale, dying doctor in horror. Now he understood why it didn't matter that he would recognise the doctor. However he had other question in his mind.

"Did you give me the same gene therapy?", Hotch asked fearing the answer.

"Yes", was the reply.

**A/N:** If you are interested in the science bit you can have a look at .?id=fluorescent-tagging-living-body-tsien.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6.**

Hotch sat back stunned. He kept his face carefully emotion free as was a second nature to him and pondered the doctor's words. He was aware of the doctor sitting quietly next to him, avoiding looking at him. After a few moments silence Hotch asked, "When you gave me the gene therapy, were you aware of the side effects?"

"No. And I don't have the words to express how sorry I am. The only consolation I have is that something good will come out of all of this", Dr. Hoffman replied.

"When we first took some blood from you, we also took a sample for genome mapping as it looks like it depends on the individual variations whether you will get cancer or not. We were able to pinpoint at least one variation responsible although I'm sure there are more, but we didn't have time to look for them. At the moment we are processing your sample, however it will take several weeks before the results are back", he continued.

Hotch could feel his chest tightening and how it felt like someone was squeezing him into an ever shrinking room. His head started spinning and everything was fading into black. He could hear the blood rushing in his own ears. And then he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Please, put your head into your knees and breathe. Breathe in and out, in and out...", the voice carried on. Eventually Hotch's head started clearing and he lifted his head and looked into the sad and worried eyes of the doctor.

"I'm sorry to cause all this pain, but I truly believed I was doing the right thing. I can only hope that your tests come back reassuring."

Hotch had reached his limit and he lost his temper.

"Do you know what it feels like to be experimented on?!", he raised his voice.

"I have been experimented now twice without consent. The first time left me unable to walk and I hadn't recovered from that when you took me again and now you are telling me that I can get cancer that will quickly kill me!!!"

Hotch was now shaking with anger. He wanted to get up to pace and maybe hit a wall, but his legs were exhausted. And he couldn't help it, but looking at the defeated man sitting on the sofa next to him, he couldn't help but feel some sympathy for him. His anger simmered down a notch.

"I would like to be alone now. Please", Hotch said, not looking at the man next to him, but staring at his own hands.

"Of course." replied Dr. Hoffman and stiffly rose up and walked out of the room, leaving Hotch alone with his dark thoughts.

XXX

Hotch lied down on the bed as he was spent after the little talk. He was so tired of all these terrible things happening to him, to then start recovering just to be yanked back into the nightmare by someone else, who claimed to think of the greater good.

He lifted a hand across his face as he could feel the tears prickling behind his eyelids. He wasn't the type to cry and lose hope, but he was so close to that edge that he didn't know whether he was still standing or if he had already tipped over and was now falling without any hope of returning.

He was still hoping that BAU was looking for him, but they couldn't spend all their time looking for their ex boss. And he doubted that JJ would want to see him any more. He had caused so much grief and trouble for her already and now he could be dying. He couldn't do that to her, to make her watch while he was slowly wasting away and finally dying. He couldn't do that to Jack or Henry either.

When he was thinking about the people closest to him, he couldn't stop the tears. The darkness deepened while Hotch was sobbing his heart out into the pillow until he felt that there was nothing else but darkness vying for a piece of him.

XXX

For the rest of the week, Hotch was quiet, reserved, did whatever was asked of him and didn't resist. He was just a walking shell, he had otherwise shut down and Dr. Hoffman noticed the change, but could do nothing to help the other man. There was nothing else to be done than to observe him and the healing process and luckily they were getting good data. He just doubted that he would live to see the results as he was getting weaker and weaker. He was hoping that they had covered their tracks well enough and that the hacker that they had employed was good enough to keep fooling the FBI for a little bit longer.

Hotch for his part wasn't really there any more. He had reached his limits and pushed himself into a little corner of his brain where he still was aware, but the rest of his consciousness had shut down. Of course he had encountered this type of behaviour before in their victims and recognised it for the coping mechanism that it was, but that didn't help his fragile mental state at all.

XXX

Two weeks had gone and Dr. Hoffman was analysing some of the images that they had taken when he started feeling really dizzy. Hotch was still sitting on the examination table as no one had told him to go to his room and for his part, Dr. Hoffman appreciated the company, although it wasn't voluntary.

Hotch on the other hand wasn't thinking of anything. But when all of the sudden a loud crash was heard from the other side of the room, even he lifted his eyes to the commotion and saw Dr. Hoffman's still form lying on the floor.

Nobody came through the door. It was late and most of the other people in the lab had probably left. Hotch found himself getting up and going to the man on the floor. Even when he was traumatised, he was still the same Hotch underneath and the instinct to help was always there.

Hotch knelt down next to Dr. Hoffman and saw that he had opened his eyes and was looking at him, his eyes fogged by pain, sadness and regret in one whirlwind. He lifted his hand and grabbed Hotch's arm, but before he could start speaking he started coughing.

Hotch helped him up so that he was leaning against Hotch's shoulder. The coughing slowly subsided and the Doctor was able to take a shaky breath.

"You are a good man and I'm sorry I did this to you. Please forgive me", he said to Hotch while having clear difficulties to breathe. Hotch bowed his head and was about to answer, when the man in his arms took a shuddering breath and was still. Hotch looked up and could tell that the Doctor wasn't breathing. He checked his pulse and couldn't find one and by looking at his face he could tell that Dr. Hoffman was gone. Hotch was sitting on the floor a dead man in his arms, but he didn't want to leave the man alone. He clung onto the man and despite everything that had happened, he could feel grief and anger and despair and all the other emotions that he had pushed away and they all came flooding back and he cried.

XXX

The following morning, Hotch was sitting on the floor in the lab and Dr. Hoffman's body was lying still next to him. This is how they were found by the staff coming to work. After the initial shock they took the body away while Hotch was looking and then they came back for him and took him back to his room, where he once again settled on the bed feeling completely empty.

When the people came back for him, they told him that Dr. Hoffman had left clear instructions what to do when he died. One of the people removed his mask and the others left leaving Hotch alone with the sad looking man.

"Dr. Hoffman left clear instructions that you should be released after his death. Also one of us needed to be identified so that the results could be brought fourth while still protecting the majorities identity. And your results still need to be interpreted", the man said, while holding out a mobile phone to Hotch, who was looking at it without moving a muscle.

"Please, take it and call your friends."

Hotch took the phone still just looking at it, but finally he punched Dave's number and lifted the handset.

"Rossi", was the terse answer.

"Dave, it's Hotch."

XXX


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:** Finally I have finished this fic. Sorry that it's a bit abrupt ending, but my plot bunny has been really difficult to catch and I had to give up. I'm convinced that the plot bunny was one of the city bunnies that was fed to the lions in the zoo... Thank you for staying for the ride. I hope you enjoyed the fic!

**Chapter 7.**

Stunned silence greeted Hotch.

"Hotch! Where are you? Are you all right?", came over Dave's voice. Hotch gave the address of the facility, which had been given to him by the man left behind and reassured Dave that he was all right.

"Please, come and get me", Hotch finished the phone call quietly and sank into the sofa, completely exhausted. He looked at the other man on the sofa with him and told him that FBI was on its way. The man nodded sadly and closed his eyes.

XXX

Hotch was roused from his short nap by loud bang and Dave calling for him.

"We are here!", Hotch called and watched the place being swarmed by FBI, but a blonde head took all his attention. JJ ran to him and ignoring everybody she hugged Hotch close to her without speaking a word. And Hotch hugged her fiercely back.

When JJ let him go the whole BAU team swarmed front and were hugging and slapping him on the back and just touching him in anyway possible to confirm that he was really here and seemingly unhurt. Hotch appreciated all the attention and revelled in the feeling of being back with his friends and family. However he was rapidly losing the battle with exhaustion and finally JJ chased people away and let the paramedics take over. Hotch didn't want to go to the hospital, considering what had been happening but JJ was adamant. She wanted to make sure that he was looked over and that he was given proper medications as she knew how reluctant Hotch was to take any painkillers and he obviously was in pain.

Hotch gave in and JJ went with him to the hospital, while promising that the team could come and see him as soon he was checked over as he needed to tell them what had happened. While the paramedics wheeled Hotch out, the man FBI had taken into custody asked to speak to him. Hotch agreed although JJ looked worried.

"I will make sure that your sample is being processed and the results delivered to you. All the other results I will release to the scientists and doctors in the hospital so that they will come to good use", the man said, "and what it's worth, I'm really sorry about what we did."

"You were wrong to take me against my will, but I'm sorry about Dr. Hoffman. I wish the circumstances had been different", Hotch replied quietly before the man was taken away, as he had liked the dead man even with what he had done to him.

XXX

The BAU team approached Hotch's hospital room cautiously. JJ had called and told them that the doctors had checked him over and he seemed to be ok, but he was definitely more subdued than before. To their worry, JJ had added that Hotch needed to tell them himself what had happened and JJ had sounded like she was on the verge of tears.

When Dave knocked on the door, Hotch's voice asked them to come in as he could guess who were coming. He was sitting on the bed, clearly exhausted and looking very serious. The team crowded him around the bed and he had to smile a bit. It felt good to be missed.

"Please, sit down where you can as this will take some time", Hotch asked them and waited until all the team members had found somewhere to sit. JJ and Dave were sitting on his bed, Emily and Reid in the chairs next to the bed, while Morgan and Garcia were sitting on the window sill, while Stone was leaning against the door as all the places were taken and he didn't mind standing.

Hotch told them what had happened. They let him finish his story before asking any questions and they had many. They felt so guilty that they hadn't found him and they had let this happen to him again. Hotch tried to tell them that he didn't blame them, but knew that nobody believed him. Finally he was so tired that he couldn't keep his eyes open any more and the team filed out of the room. Dave was the last one to leave with JJ.

"Hotch, we are so glad you are all right and with us again", Dave said while gripping Hotch's shoulder. JJ hugged him and gave him a tender kiss, "I love you", she whispered teary eyed. Then Hotch was left alone with his thoughts, but he quickly fell into exhausted sleep.

XXX

Hotch was released from the hospital and went back to work. He asked the doctors to continue the observations that Dr. Hoffman's team had started as it might help them to complete the study as it didn't really require anything else from him than to stay lying down for a while. His walking improved all the time to his relief as he had been afraid that his experience would interfere with the healing process.

The man who had been captured when Hotch was found was convicted, but the rest of the team were never identified to Hotch's dismay. He still felt unsettled knowing that all those people were around, but he tried to not think about it while getting back into routine with JJ, Jack and Henry. He was also given around the clock surveillance to make sure that nothing would happen and this time FBI was intent on keeping the surveillance in place long enough. He still felt like a burden though, especially knowing what might happen with his health and he tried to push JJ away, but she wouldn't take it and gave him a stern talking to. After all Hotch needed JJ and to his astonishment she seemed to need him too.

XXX

Hotch was at the porch watching while Jack and Henry were running around in the back yard when the phone rang.

"Could you get that please?", Hotch called out to JJ who was inside the house. They were preparing for a dinner with the BAU team and JJ had chased him out of the kitchen knowing he was just on the way with his non existing cooking skills.

After a while JJ came out to the porch holding the phone and visibly trying to maintain her composure.

"It's Dr. Thompson", she said handing out the phone to Hotch, who took a deep breath before answering, "Hotchner".

JJ was waiting worriedly what the news were and Hotch's responses didn't give anything away. When he finished the call and turned to her looking all serious, JJ's heart shattered. Then Hotch gave the biggest smile that she had never seen and he took her into her arms.

"The test came back saying that I'm going to be all right. I'm not susceptible to that kind of cancer", Hotch told JJ who couldn't help the tears of joy. Jack and Henry also came to see what was going on and Hotch enveloped his whole family in his arms. He felt such happiness, it was threatening to choke him and when he saw JJ crying he couldn't help but let the tears escape from his own eyes. In the end they were all crying and laughing at the same time while holding into each other. Finally Hotch could start healing.

XXX


End file.
